Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Permission To Walk Away

So, here's the thing.  This has not been a good couple of weeks for me. (And if I'm honest, September onward has basically been a stress-fest.)  

The holidays are always stressful.  There's a lot to take care of and I'm the one who has to do it all because Dave tends to retreat from anything involving social demands.  But I refuse to let that compromise the kids' Christmas.  This is a special time of year and they deserve to enjoy it.  (We go through the same thing during birthday season, which is why my birthday falls over like a lead balloon.  It's last and I don't have the energy to do anything special for myself anymore.)

Now add in the challenges we've been having with Alex.  The headbanging is still an issue at school and now the OT-discharge stuff is being dumped on top of that.  I finally got the "package" that I was promised (one page) and it basically says "screw you, we don't care, don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Then there's the other school-related issue that I'm getting to deal with.  The earlier start means that I can't get Alex out the door and start work on time.  There's a relatively simple solution, Dave gets him onto the van and then he can leave for his work.  But, we've had problems where Alex takes Nathan's winter clothes (boots, gloves, hats) or forgets important aspects of his own (snowpants, hat, gloves) and then I have to drive over to the school to make swaps or drop stuff off.  Again, it's frustrating that I'm the one who has to deal with it and it gets taken out of my work day.

Oh, and just to be really fun, last week, Alex broke his helmet while skating.  So he needs a new helmet.  But I didn't have time to get him a new helmet, so I need to either find a substitute for tomorrow or he doesn't get to go skating which will tank his day.

Add in that Nathan is showing a lot of signs of stress, including acting out and threatening to cut himself off and I've officially got more than I can handle.

So I'm giving myself permission to fail.  And I know that it will have horrible consequences but I also know that I am too damned tired to fight anymore.  I'm tired of getting to be the one who deals with everything from anxious grandparents to angry kids to a depressed spouse to an indifferent bureaucracy.

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