Tuesday, 30 August 2016

The Sound of Enforced Silence

I love music.  I like having it in the background 24-7, I have an extensive Itunes collection of over 4000 songs and usually add 3-6 each month.

In the last year, Alex has begun throwing tantrums and headbanging whenever my music is playing.  (He's fine with his father's music, but not mine.)  I've tried creating playlists of songs that I know Alex likes (since he sings them constantly).  I've tried playing it quietly so that he doesn't have to hear.  I've even tried only using headphones.  None of it seems to matter.  He will come running from a different floor to demand that I turn off the music and if I refuse, he begins to bang his head, scream, and attack his brother.

Music has always been a coping strategy for me.  If I'm feeling depressed or anxious, I can use it as an escape to prevent myself from brooding too much.  It keeps my energy levels up and lets me do all the things I need to during the day.

And now it's being taken away from me.

I've tried continuing as much as I can, but the cost is higher than I can pay.  I can't relax anymore unless Alex is out of the house.  I'm waiting for the tantrum or I'm gritting my teeth and trying to ride it out.  Either way, the music doesn't work for me any longer.

Of all the accommodations I've had to make for Alex, this is the only one I find that I truly resent.  There's a lot of other unpleasant things I have to do, but I do them because they're necessary.  This feels like the universe deliberately removing one of the few sources of joy left in my life and leaving nothing in return.

I'm not sure why Alex picks on my music so much.  His father or other people can be playing the exact same songs and not have an issue, so he's decided it's a problem with me.  It's not something that I can give up but fighting constantly is wearing me out.

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