Yesterday was not a good day.
Alex did all right in the morning with his assessment appointment but then turned into a miniature Tasmanian Devil in the afternoon (think Warner Brothers instead of Australia). He threw a massive tantrum, kicking and hitting his tutor when she arrived. We got him calmed down and working but then it was time to go pick up Nathan from camp.
He ran away and when I insisted on holding his hand, he began shoving and kicking anyone in reach. Mostly me, then Nathan and (the ones I actually feel the worst about) some of the other kids. Nathan got booted to the head once and I got three kicks directly to the face, one which started a nosebleed. I lost count of the number of times he kicked me on the legs.
When we got home, I made a difficult decision. To protect Nathan, I put Alex in his room with some toys. Given how Alex was seeking Nathan out to hit him, I didn't see any other way to protect him. Even if Nathan was right by my side, Alex was too fast.
I called Dave to get an extra adult back in the house, so Alex only had to stay in his room for half an hour. But it made me think, what if I didn't have someone to call or what if Dave hadn't been able to leave work early? I'm not comfortable with the idea of just leaving him in his room for hours at a time but I'm also not comfortable with leaving Nathan unprotected.
The whole experience was emotionally exhausted. Once the kids were in bed, I gave myself permission to check out early and just went to bed. It's hard to keep sympathy during an ongoing physical attack. It's natural to emotionally withdraw to protect yourself but as a mom, I can't let myself be drawn into that.
I wish I knew what was triggering this. Alex can be difficult but this is exponentially worse than his usual behaviour. Is it the change in routine? Lingering effects from the medication adjustment? Has he eaten something which is irritating him (my personal theory so far since I already discovered a rubber snake in his BM)? At this point, I don't have something I can work with. All I can hope is that, like previous outbursts, it goes away on its own.
I felt like the worse mother in the history of the world yesterday. Not only am I trying to physically restrain my child (I eventually had to sit down behind him and pin his legs with my legs and his arms with my arms) but I'm not being successful. He's hurting other people.
It hurts to fail in this way. Fail Alex, fail Nathan, fail society as a whole. It's temporary but I can't pretend it didn't happen. I knew I looked like a horrible parent and I wanted to scream at everyone that I don't like doing this but it's the only way I know how to protect everyone else in the moment.
Right now, I'm just praying that it gets better. Because I really don't think we can handle too many more days like this.