The interviewer then asked how that translated into sex with
his wife. And this self-proclaimed
equalist said he didn’t bother with having sex with his wife because it was too
hard. He would have to talk to her,
pretend to take an interest in what she was saying, listen to her boring
concerns (his words) and then slowly lead the conversation around to sex. Then he’d have to waste more time (his words
again) with foreplay and her orgasm. It
was easier to stick with words on a page or images on a screen.
My jaw dropped when I read that. I’ve heard about the epidemic of sexless
marriages these days and I’ve wondered what causes two people who love each
other to give up sex. The finger is
often pointed at stress, job demands, child demands and the modern lifestyle in
general. I’m wondering if we ought to be
looking at the effect of porn.
Because as awful as it is, the man is right. Having a mutually satisfying sex relationship
with a real women is a lot harder than simply passively enjoying porn.
What bothered me more was the obvious resentment towards his
wife. He wasn’t interested in sex as an
expression of his love and passion for his spouse. He wanted sex but thought the emotional
commitment required was too much work.
Implication: his wife is too demanding.
How dare she require him to connect to her as a person and ask for a
shot at equal pleasure in sex? I would
be willing to bet that man’s marriage is far from secure.
I don’t generally have a problem with porn, so long as
everyone is over 18 and everything is consensual. I think it’s more than time for sex to come
out of the sniggering basement of life.
Sexuality is a vital and vibrant part of our existence and pretending
otherwise is the height of silliness.
I have a problem with a pervasive attitude that women’s
pleasure is too much work. I don’t like
when women have to choose between crappy sex and no sex. I have a problem when there is a culture of
entitlement which encourages men to take their pleasure and ignore their
partner’s. It completely contradicts any
spirit of equality within a relationship.
To be true partners, people have to see their partner’s needs as equally
important as their own. It shouldn’t even
be questioned, just taken as one of the basic facts of life.
A lot of the material in Guyland
bothered me. I haven’t decided yet how
much of it I should take seriously and how much might be exaggeration and
propaganda for the purpose of igniting a conversation. But some of it seems to fit and make sense of
otherwise inexplicable phenomena like the hook-up culture and the personality
transformation which many men undergo when in the company of other men. I’ll probably write more posts about it as I
sort out my thoughts.
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