Not in a bad way. I’m
pleased for them that they have such lovely homes, beautifully decorated and
maintained. But I can’t help but wish we
had one, too. When we first moved in, I
had a lot of ideas for improvements. I
wanted to save up for granite countertops.
I wanted to build custom shelves for all our books. I wanted a large playroom in the basement
with a full bathroom and a sauna. I
wanted to replace all of our IKEA furniture with more solid, elegant pieces.
Ten years later, most of these things haven’t happened. The few nice pieces we had begun to
accumulate have started seriously wearing out.
Unfortunately, the money we would have used has gone to pay for autism
therapy. If I had even a small fraction
of it, I could have done major renovations or purchases every year.
I don’t regret the choice to put our resources into our boys and their future. It was never even really a question. But it doesn’t stop me from being wistful and wishing we could have nicer things. I feel ashamed to invite the other moms over when their children come on playdates. Our couches are starting to be more patches than original upholstery. It bothers me to feel that way about our home.
I draw a little comfort from knowing we’re not the only ones
in this situation. A lot of families
with special needs find themselves stretched financially. There are a lot of creative tips on saving
money on the websites. I’ve even
contributed some myself, like saving on laminating costs by using clear packing
tape on pictures for the schedule or for communication.
We’re going to be pinching and stretching our pennies for a
long time to come. I accept that. I’m even a little proud of our new-found
skills to repair items we already have or jury-rig solutions. But it won’t stop me from wishing we could
have a home which matched the vision in my head.
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