I don’t like the term “forgiveness” because I think it does
imply absolution. If you always have to
explain that it doesn’t mean what happened was okay, then we need a new word
for the psychological action necessary.
I like “letting go” and “accepting” because I think they’re
better descriptions. You can’t forgive
someone for beating you up for years, but you can accept that it happened and
let go of your hatred and shame.
People get caught up in the “what if” game when they’re
trapped by their past. It may start off
healthily enough as a way to see what mistakes happened so that you can avoid
them in the future. But once you have
that information, going back again and again, telling yourself what you or
others should have done to avoid the situation isn’t helpful. No one can change the past, no matter how
many fantasy, sci-fi or comic stories they read or watch.
Being trapped by your past is a horrible thing. Dr. Phil describes it neatly as “taking
poison every day and hoping the other person dies.” The person who perpetrated the original
offence is long gone but you keep on reliving it, which keeps you under their
power. It’s necessary to sever that
connection, otherwise it’s going to bleed you dry.
But psychologists should stop using the word “forgiveness” to describe it. Forgiveness is a religious term and all the explanations in the world doesn’t change the fact that it usually means to absolve and then forget, behaving as if the offence never happened in the first place.
Trauma can’t be forgotten.
And urging people to behave as if it never happened actually keeps them
trapped because they feel like they are the only ones who can understand what
happened. They need to keep it alive
because otherwise it’s meaningless. If
it never happened, then the pain they suffered didn’t mean anything.
To me, accepting is a better description, especially since
you can break it down into multiple parts.
You can accept that what happened to you can’t be changed now. You can accept that it was horrible. You can accept that you or others couldn’t or
didn’t take the steps necessary to prevent or stop it. You can accept that it will always be part of
your life, the psychic equivalent of a scar.
It’s all simple to say, but each of these steps can take a lot of work.
Then you can start letting go. Letting go of the hate, the shame, whatever
emotion is holding you in the past. I
think the accepting makes it easier to let go.
You can start to understand the necessity of breaking free at a gut
level.
Pain isn’t a measure of love and joy isn’t a betrayal of
loss (another Dr. Phil classic).
Understanding these truths is a necessary step of healing. I just think it would be a lot easier for
people to do without the expectation of dismissing their pain.
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