However, there was a lot of talking about looking on the
positive side and seeing silver linings and the rest. Therein squats the toad of my problem.
I believe that encourage people to find the positive side of
obstacles, difficulties and tragedies can be an important part of the recovery
process. But not while dealing with the
event or challenge itself.
I think we’re too quick to dismiss pain and sadness. We want it safely banished away from our
comfortable lives. We don’t like seeing
people we care about in pain and so we push them to lock away their negative
feelings so that we can feel better.
I’ve undergone grief counseling at various points in my life
and one observation struck me. We teach
people how to do the Heimlich maneuver so they can save someone’s life, even
though the vast majority of people will never need that training. But we don’t teach people how to be there for
someone who is in pain, who has been diagnosed with a frightening disease, who
is going through a divorce or is dealing with a death. Everyone knows someone who has gone through
one of those things and possibly all of the above. But there are very few resources to help you
learn what is helpful and what isn’t.
Seeing someone who is in justified pain is awful. We feel awkward, not wanting to make things
worse. Because we don’t know what to
say, we end up avoiding the person in question, isolating them at a time when
they need all the support they can get.
Or worse, we spit out clichés about God’s plan or finding silver
linings. Almost anyone who has been on
the receiving end of those can tell you how hurtful they are.
Maybe instead of being Pollyanna and playing the Glad Game
to find the positive in tragedy, we ought to take a lesson from the Goth
community. Granted, I’m not saying bad
poetry about how awful life is and how your parents don’t understand you is
actually any better. But they’re facing
the pain and rather than turning away, they acknowledge that it sucks. It just flat out sucks.
Pain hurts. Having to
suppress your pain hurts even more.
Eventually you can reach through to the other side and then you can
start to find the meanings and interpretations which will let you process the
pain into your life. But you can’t do it
until you get to the other side. So be
gentle with yourself, let yourself listen to sad music and wallow for awhile in
the colossal unfairness of the universe.
And if you write some bad poetry bashing your parents, I
won’t tell anyone.
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